


No Bitchin’ in His Kitchen

by moonsandroses



Series: raraverse [1]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Baking, Cute Remus Lupin, Established Relationship, F/M, Fluff, M/M, but like whats new, its his birthday, niels is also there, remus lupin is also a sweetheart, remus lupin is an excited little puppy, sirius is exasperated but he loves his boyfriend, there, theyre baking a CAKE, wait I actually need to tag this properly, yep, zara is dramatic about everything
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-10
Updated: 2021-03-10
Packaged: 2021-03-15 07:01:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,354
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29929665
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/moonsandroses/pseuds/moonsandroses
Summary: Zara doesn’t have a birthday. Remus feels bad. Sirius is whipped. And Niels is enjoying himself way too much. Shenanigans shenanigansshenanigans.
Relationships: Original Female Character/Original Male Character, Sirius Black/Remus Lupin
Series: raraverse [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2201154
Comments: 5
Kudos: 2





	No Bitchin’ in His Kitchen

**Author's Note:**

  * For [IKnowImGeeky](https://archiveofourown.org/users/IKnowImGeeky/gifts).



> yes i am aware that remus and sirius are both a little ooc in this fic and you know what? that’s _fine_. it’s okay. you can live with it.
> 
> **NOW**
> 
> here’s some background info for todays OCs:
> 
> Zara: she’s a star, but like, literally. Also can turn into a wolf at will, and mainly why she claims that chocolate would kill her (as it’ll be shown in the fic) is because 1. She’s canine 2. She’s fucking dramatic. She doesn’t have a birthday because there was no specific date in which she was born (don’t look at me ask jules). And lastly, her nickname is HalfStar, otherwise known as Halfy.  
> Now to physical appearance so you can have a vague picture of what she looks like: very short chocolate brown hair (pixie cut?? I honestly have no idea what it’s called but you get the idea). Orange eyes. Short. Idk that’s all
> 
> Niels: just a regular lad. Nothing funky about him. Curly blond hair. Blue eyes. Dutch. Tall. Also Zara’s love interest, her boyfriend in this oneshot. What more do you need?
> 
> Keep in mind that those ocs don’t belong to me; Zara belongs to my friend [iknowimgeeky](https://archiveofourown.org/users/IKnowImGeeky/pseuds/IKnowImGeeky) and Niels belongs to my other friend whom I have not yet convinced to make an ao3 account.

“Uhh”

"What.. you don’t like it?” Sirius apprehensively asked his boyfriend, who was cautiously eying the cake in front of him.

Remus raised his eyes from the chocolate cake, more specifically from the words written elegantly on top of it (how Sirius managed to embed his graceful scrawl on top of the frosting, no one knew) and met the other man’s eyes.

“But what about Zara?” He demanded, albeit a tad bit dejectedly.

Zara perked up at the mention of her name, and she raised a groomed eyebrow questioningly in her best friend’s direction. She kept her silence to herself, though, and watched the unexpected scene unfold in front of her.

“Yes, what about her?” Niels piped up from behind Zara, just as confused as the other two.

“It’s her birthday too!” He glared at the blond, clearly offended at his query. 

Zara cleared her throat, bringing the room’s attention to herself, before announcing, “uhh, no. I’m not human, remember? I don’t have a birthday”

Remus scoffed, “Of course you have a birthday Halfy, and it’s today, so happy birthday,” he stated, not leaving any room for argument.

Sirius approached his boyfriend, “Moony, I don’t think-“

“I’ll even add your name to the cake! Here..” he said as he stuck his tongue out in concentration, scooping some of the icing on top of the cake, smudging in turn the H in ‘Happy Birthday Remus’. He then attempted to contribute his little addition to the cake, which resulted in a messy scrible that suspiciously looked like “+zara”. He looked positively proud of his work.

Zara spoke out, “Remus, this really isnt necessary, besides, I can’t even consume chocolate, being canine and all.”

Remus looked utterly crestfallen at this, and with pleading eyes he asked, “But we can make another one, right? One that you can eat”

Zara looked at Niels, who looked at Sirius, who looked at Zara, all knowing that they were utterly fucked. There was no escape from Remus’ puppy eyes.

-

“Is this _really necessary_?” asked Zara for the millionth time, regrettably sporting a bright yellow apron with ‘no bitchin’ in my kitchen’ written on it.

“This is ridiculous,” she continued, “I don’t think Sirius could last another second.” She smirked at said man, who, in turn, glared holes at her, though coming from a man wearing a hot fuchsia apron with ‘This kitchen is seasoned with love’ embedded on it and a matching bandanna holding his hair back, the effect wasn’t as intimidating as originally desired.

What was written on Niels’ own green apron was already indiscernible from powders of flour layering it, and he didn’t look entirely upset at the butterfly clips securing his fringe.

Remus placed his hands on his slim hips and nodded his head firmly. “Absolutely necessary.” Then he grinned, “Let’s begin, shall we?”

He turned his head to Sirius, raising his eyebrows expectantly. Although Remus liked to pretend to boss the other three around, Sirius was the only person who actually knew anything about cooking (or baking, considering their situation).

“Did you preheat the oven?” He asked.

“Yep.”

“All of the ingredients are out?”

“ _Yyyyyep_.”

“Good. Sarah, add three cups of flour, a tablespoon of baking powder and half a tablespoon of salt. Remus, get ready to whisk.”

A simultaneous reply came from both of them ,

“It’s Zara you ignorant bitch” and “yessir”.

Zara added the ingredients into the bowls, somehow managing to knock over half of the bag’s contents onto the counter and accidentally adding a bit more than the required amount of salt. _It’s not like anyone would notice_ , she told herself, just to feel a little better about the whole situation.

“Out of my way,” Remus moved her over, before he started intently mixing the powdered mess.

Sirius then spoke up, “Niels, two blocks of butter and one and a half cups of sugar in the other bowl. _Only_ one and a half”.

Niels complied enthusiastically, dismissing Sirius’ last comment and adding loads of sugar without any measurements. 

Remus approached him “Make way for the mixer please!” He said, clearly enjoying his new position.

Sirius placed his hand atop Remus’ mop of hair, 

“Actually, this needs to be mixed using an electrical mixer, makes it easier,” he explained.

Remus glanced up at him with narrowed eyes, and slowly raised the whisk in a threatening manner, “Do not tell me what to do. I have a weapon and I will not hesitate to use it on you.”

The next ten minutes or so were just Remus trying to manually mix the butter and the sugar until they’re light and fluffy. By the time he had finished, Niels was slipping in and out of consciousness on Zara’s shoulder when Remus’ triumphant cry signified his success.

“Those were the most boring ten minutes of my life,” Zara casually stated, “What’s next?”

“Someone bring four eggs from the fridge,” Sirius ordered.

The two other men physically perked up at that statement, sharing an excited look while Sirius sighed exasperatedly, Zara rubbing the bridge of her nose and regretting every decision she had made that led her up to this moment.

“Please can I-“ “I want to-“

“No.” Came the immediate reply from Zara and Sirius. “Absolutely not.”

They watched as Remus’ and Niels’ faces fell at their declination, unfazed, then Sirius proceeded to crack the eggs, one by one, and add them into the bowl containing the butter and sugar.

He made way for Remus to whisk when he was done, to which Remus sniffed at before he desolately approached the counter. Niels pat him on the back as if to say ‘ _it’s okay buddy, I feel you_.’

While the eggs were being mixed in, Sirius motioned for Niels to add a tablespoon of vanilla into the bowl. He happily obliged. 

When he caught a glimpse of Remus’ face, though, he hesitated, “Uh, are you sure you don’t want to let the electric mixer take care of this. You’re not looking very good.”

Remus smiled at him, clearly in pain, and replied, “No n-no I’m fine,” he panted, “this is _fine_.”

“Whatever you say man,” he said, unconvinced, then added the requested amount of vanilla. (Okay maybe a _liiitle_ bit more. Cmon, one tablespoon is nothing).

This is how they carried on for the rest of the recipe. Niels looked forward to the best cake ever made by his own customized measurements. Remus looked forward for this hell to end and yearned his arm some rest. Sirius looked forward to get out of this kitchen and forget that this day ever happened. And Zara looked forward to never ever accept a birthday party invitation from any of these idiots again.

-

“ _So_ ”

“Uhh”

“Yeah”

All four idiots were staring down at the cake— no, at the pile of absolute coal sitting innocently in front of them, as if they hadn’t spent two hours baking it, as if Remus hadn’t lost an arm and a half beating its batter, as if Sirius hadn’t lost his voice telling Niels to add the required amount and nothing more, as if Zara’s headache was all for nothing. 

The pile of frosting over it did nothing to make the cake any more appealing, and the text over it only resembled deformed worms dying instead of the desired ‘Happy Birthday Remus & Zara’.

“Do we still have the chocolate cake?” Zara asked.

“Zara, you can’t eat that. You’ll die.” Niels told her.

“That’s the plan.”

A moment of silence passed.

Then Remus jumped up.

“Ooh, _ooh_! I’ve always wanted to try this. Zara, you’re the birthday girl. Can I smash the cake into your face?”

Zara looked at him, unimpressed, having lost all faith in the world. 

She sighed.

“Go ahead, it’s not like we could eat it anyways,” She told him.

“Amazing!,” Zara heard before the solid block of burned cake collided with her face and sent her plummeting to the floor.

As she swam in and out of consciousness, “I mean, she said she wanted to die. I can’t be blamed for this,” was the last thing she heard before her vision went black.


End file.
